Who are you…really? How to redefine yourself for a healthier, happier life

You know when you put on a pair of pants or a skirt or a dress or try to button a blouse and discover it no longer fits? This is an unmistakeable sign that we have changed out of that piece of clothing. If only our identities worked so easily. Often, the signs that we have outgrown our identity aren’t so obvious.

We outgrow our identities like clothing. Only instead of stretching buttons or discovering bagginess, we experience tension between what we desire our life to look and feel like, and how it actually looks and feels.

For example, “I want to lose weight but I can’t seem to stick to an exercise routine.” “I want to be better at leaving work on time, but I can’t seem to tear myself away.”

These internal conflicts are signs we are outgrowing our identities or at least that there is some sort of mismatch between what we believe we are and what we desire to be.

If we rewrite who we believe we are to match what we want to be, we will change what we do. Here’s how that works.

What is Personal Identity?

It’s your mental image or belief about who you are, which is made up of memories, beliefs, motivations, recurring thoughts, emotions, self-perceptions, biases, and worldview. All of those are constructed not only of what you believe you are but what otters have told you that you are.

Personal identity is also constructed by our behaviors. Not the one-off behaviors but our repeated behaviors. As Aristotle said, “We are what we repeatedly do.”

Or put another way, we repeatedly do what we believe we are, because it works both ways.

Our behaviors shape our identity and our identity shapes our behaviors. If we do a behavior regularly enough, we logically think that it’s important to us and so we identify as someone who does that behavior. For example, I’m a health-nut because you go to the gym daily or eat “clean”.

Smoking is another example of an identity-based habit. “I’m a smoker” or “I’m not a smoker”. We all define ourselves around whether or not we perform this behavior. It is who we are, “I am” rather than something we do or do not do, “I smoke” or “I don’t smoke”.

Blood donation, binge drinking, and frugality, environment-protection-related behaviors are all tied to identities. So much so that the environment example I just listed caused me to rewrite that sentence three times to avoid saying “environmentalist”.

How Does Personal Identity Control our Habits?

So, with the clothing analogy, our personal identity is what we wear every day. It’s who we believe we are. Our habits are what we do. Most of our day is spent going from one habit to another. They vary in complexity, in importance, and in terms of who is involved. Some habits you perform solo, while others require another person(s). And our habits shape our health and life satisfaction, both of which determine our happiness. 

How Can We Change Our Identity to Change Our Habits?

1) You have to prove the new identity to yourself in order to buy into it

2) Create the new identity first, then start building the new habit

What you do now is a reflection of who you believe you are. Remember, we repeatedly do what we believe we are.

Start believing new things about yourself

3) Go beyond goals.

James Clear describes the layers of change. From the outside in, the layers are Outcomes, Processes, and Identity. Clear sums these layers up nicely: “Outcomes are about what you get. Processes are about what you do. Identity is about what you believe.”

We typically start with outcome goals. Then if we are smart, we take it to the process, which helps us address how we will achieve the outcome. But most stop there without ever addressing their identity. To create habits that last we have to address all layers, and we have to start with identity and work outward.

4) Ask yourself, “Who do I want to become?”

What do I stand for? What do I do and not do? What are my values and beliefs?

Once you answer that question, you use small wins to prove to yourself that you are becoming that person. No, you ARE that person.

5) The final step is your commitment and the system/processes that you will put in place to make that commitment easy to maintain.

Here are 2 examples

a) I want to lose weight (outcome).

Ask: Ok, what kind of person is someone who loses weight?

Answer: The type of person who loses weight is a healthy eater, a regular exerciser.

Tell Yourself: Ok, I am a fitness buff. I am a healthy eater. I’m the type of person who makes healthy choices. (Identity).

Next step: Ok, what are the small wins that will prove to yourself that you are this type of person? And think action goals not outcome goals, because actions you control. Outcomes are just the byproduct of what you do.

Answer: I could try a new vegetable once a week. I could walk for 5 minutes after every meal. I could put the “junk food” on a higher pantry shelf so I am less tempted to eat it or just not buy it in the first place. I could put my utensils down between bites helping me to eat less and eat more slowly. I could join a dance class so I am more likely to work out.

b) I want to leave/sign off of work at a decent time (outcome).

Ask: Ok, what kind of person is someone who leaves/signs off of work at a decent time?

Answer: The type of person who sets and enforces healthy boundaries.

Tell Yourself: Ok, I am a person who sets and enforces healthy boundaries. I am great at boundaries. I uphold my boundaries. I am the type of person who prioritizes personal-professional balance.

Next step: Ok, what are the small wins that will prove to yourself that you are this type of person? And think action goals, not outcome goals, because actions you control. Outcomes are just the byproduct of what you do.

Answer: I could set a physical boundary to separate my home office from the rest of my home. I could create an end-of-day exit routine and schedule it in my calendar. Yes, the time might change some days due to meetings, but you’re more likely to keep the routine if it’s scheduled. And it prevents others from randomly adding meetings to your calendar.

I could create a morning routine that helps me work more efficiently so I feel more comfortable leaving on time. I could work with my manager to allow me to leave the office at a set time most days to be home with family for a few hours, and then finish off my hours from home later in the evening.

Final Thoughts & Tips

Of course, acting on these is easier said than done. It’s why so many high performers use coaches. It helps them get clarity, take action, and maintain that action. It also helps them from taking things too far. In this case, allowing your identity and habits to become too rigid.

If you need help with any step in developing identity-based habits, book a complimentary call to explore how I can help. If I’m not the best fit, I can refer you to someone who is.

Reference

Verplanken, B., & Sui, J. (2019). Habit and Identity: Behavioral, Cognitive, Affective, and Motivational Facets of an Integrated Self. Frontiers in Psychology, 10. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01504