Is the answer to health, happiness, and peace of mind in this children's movie?: 3 Pro Tips to Stop "Shoulding" and Start Doing

If you’ve seen the movie How to Tame Your Dragon, you know that dragons are at first believed to be these evil, fire-breathing demons that wreak havoc on anything and anyone in their path. They are uncontrollable.

By the end, we learn through the hero’s journey that dragons are completely misunderstood creatures that are just acting on instinct to eat, move around, and fend off threats. Dragons are simply doing their thing, it’s just that their thing is scary to humans and humans’ thing is scary to dragons until each learns more about the other. They have to go through a period of discovery.

Your “should’s” and “but’s” are like dragons.

I’m guessing, being a human in the 21st century, that you “should” on yourself pretty constantly. “I should exercise.” “I should eat better.” “I should take a break.” “I know I should…”

And what always follows the “I should’s”? The “but’s”. 

“I should exercise, but…” “I should eat better, but…” “I should take a break, but…” “I know I should, but…”

And that’s when you start beating yourself up. Because the should’s and but’s are the things you want to be doing and the reason you “still” aren’t doing them. And if you really wanted to do them, wouldn’t you be doing them already? Clearly, you don’t really want it, or are lazy, or have no willpower, or can’t manage your calendar because where does the time go, or or or…

And the next thing you know, you’ve stressed yourself out, your body is in fight or flight, and it feels like dragons are attacking.

What’s really happening.

Just like dragons are misunderstood in the movie, they’re misunderstood here. The should’s and but’s aren’t attacking you. They are gifting you information. They are signs of ambivalence, which happens to every single person with every single change. They are telling you that there are two things or people or goals that are important to you at the same time that seem to be in conflict with each other. If you can resolve the conflict, you can move forward. This takes discovery.

For example, I know I should exercise but things are just so busy. I keep saying I’m going to but I just don’t have the time or willpower to do it.

Ok, what things? How busy? Why is exercise important to you? How much time do you think you really need? What have you tried doing and have you enjoyed it?

These are questions my clients and I work through together. Often what they discover is that they’re thinking exercise only counts if it’s a 90-minute sweat fest at a gym, but they hate gyms and don’t like running. They’re in the middle of scaling up their business or they’re gearing up for a promotion and it is all hands on deck, so there’s very little extra time.

Being financially independent is a core value, so if they have to choose between investing that time in their business/career or spending it doing something they don’t enjoy doing because they think they’re supposed to, obviously they will choose their business/career.

That is a no-brainer! They’re not lazy or lacking time management skills, or lacking motivation, or willpower. They’re making a choice that seems pretty reasonable.

But, if that’s the case, why do they keep thinking they need to exercise? Well, we explore that too.

They’re not feeling comfortable in their body, their sleep is suffering, their blood pressure has gone up, they’re losing focus, and have less and less energy. The stress is getting worse and they keep seeing posts about how exercise is essential and can “fix” all that. And so of course they want to exercise or at least feel like they should exercise.

If only there was time or they weren’t lazy or had that motivation…and so the cycle continues.

How to Tame Your Dragons

One of the first steps is to recognize that ambivalence is not a demon wreaking havoc on your goals. It’s just doing its thing, sending you information. It’s telling you, “Hey, pay attention to these two goals you have that seem to be in conflict, so we can resolve the conflict and achieve your goals.”

To help do this, replace the word “but” with “and”.

“I should exercise, and…” “I should eat better, and…” “I should take a break, and…” “I know I should, and…”

It’s amazing how that one little shift can feel freeing. Suddenly, it feels like a solvable problem, you’re in offense, not defense. You’re in charge.

Another step is to explore different approaches you’ve taken to meet your goal. For example, perhaps the reason you aren’t motivated to work out is that you’re trying to force yourself to do something you don’t like. If you hate running, then don’t run. Go take a dance class or try rowing or anything that moves your body other than running. If you love the gym but don’t have time for the 2-hour sessions you used to pull in college, recognize that you don’t have to spend 2 hours in the gym to make it count. You could do a HIIT workout that gets you in and out in 30 minutes or less.

Say you want to spend time with your family “and” you feel guilty about spending time exercising because of that. The limited time you have off work “should” be spent with your family, you think. Ok, get your family moving with you! Try an after-dinner family walk or dance party.

This is the period of discovery that I mentioned. It’s where a coach can really be helpful. In our dragon analogy, the dragons are the self-talk in your head (the “should” and “buts”, you’re the hero, and the coach is the sidekick that helps guide and encourage you).

One more tactic to help you self-discover, when you start asking yourself why you haven’t done X, Y, or Z yet, ask yourself questions ending with the word, “really?".

For example:

“Why haven’t I started working out, really?”

“Why is this goal so important to me, really?”

“Why do I say I want to eat better, really?”

“Why do I keep eating fast food on the way home, really?”

You get the idea. Often that little extra challenge helps you cut closer to the core of what is really holding you back. Because it isn’t motivation or time. Motivation isn’t constant for anyone but is connected to your true why, that true core. Unlock that and you will find your motivation. It isn’t time because we all make time for the things we care about.

Most likely, the answer to your question “really?” the thing that is really holding you back is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of loss, fear of success, fear…because even change we want is change. And change is scary. The unknown is scary. Dragons are scary until we know them. But once tamed, once befriended more accurately, we welcome what has been discovered and our new way of life.

If you need help befriending your dragon book a complimentary chat and we can explore how working together can help you do just that.