When Your Job Defines You, And Then Doesn't: How to Redefine Yourself for a Healthier, More Balanced Life
I took this picture on Nov. 1, 2006 as I left LA for an unknown future.
My quarter-life crisis kicked in towards the end of 2006 and lasted for about a year (maybe a smidge longer...ok probably a smidge longer). Like Dr. Shankar described in the July 24, 2023 Huberman Lab podcast episode, I felt like I had lost my identity. The rug had been pulled out from under me, only it was me in many ways who pulled it. Or at least helped with the pulling.
Dr. Shankar describes an injury that ended her violin career. Taking her then identity with it. For me, it wasn't one injury but years of verbal and emotional abuse from professors and bosses in the film/tv/theater/music industries added up to essentially the same. I could no longer go on, but also I couldn't stop because then who am I? All I had believed myself capable of being was the artist, the performer.
Identity Crisis: What's Really Going On
What I didn't know then was that I was experiencing the end of identity foreclosure (when you accept without question the values, skills, and worth that someone else tells you that you have). This led me through a period of identity paralysis (when you feel stuck, perhaps unmoored, you don't know who you are anymore because who you were is called into question).
As Dr. Shankar so eloquently describes, this can happen when we define ourselves by what we do instead of who we are and why we do what we do.
I see this often among clients and other high-achievers. We are groomed as kids to define ourselves based on what we want to do when we grow up, not who we want to be or what sets our souls on fire. Even if asked why we want to "be" the profession we profess, we are not guided to discover our true why (cue Simon Sinek).
This often leads to confusing who we are with what we do professionally, which can be detrimental to our mental, physical, and emotional health. Because what happens when that profession is over due to retirement, lay-off, injury, or another life change?
How to Take Your Self Back to Move Forward
How do you recover from identity paralysis? Or better yet prevent it? The January 28, 2022 Harvard Business Review has an excellent article that outlines steps you can take.
I describe my own process in my memoir, which included many of these steps. It takes courage to redefine who you are. It takes courage to decide to define yourself based on your values, your skills, and your why, rather than a profession. The thing is, you will live a happier, healthier, and perhaps even longer life if you do.
And professionally, you will be able to better pivot as the times change. An example that comes to mind is the comparison we often here between Netflix and Blockbuster or Amazon and Borders or Barnes & Noble. Essentially, Netflix said, "we provide entertainment" while Blockbuster said, "we rent movies". Netflix's identity allowed for pivots and growth where Blockbuster's didn't. Amazon said, "we provide an e-commerce platform" and Borders/Barnes & Noble said, "we sell books and music" (and of course now games, calendars, Godivas at the register, etc. but you get the point).
How are you defining yourself? Does that current definition allow for pivots? Does it allow for a true expression of who you are or is it the title on your business card?
If you'd like help exploring these issues, you can book a complimentary discovery call here. If I'm not the right fit for you, I have a great referral network with folks who might be!