Boundaries Aren't Selfish: How to Set Boundaries Without the Guilt
Boundaries are not the same as selfishness. And yet, the two terms are often confused as synonymous.
This misunderstanding negatively impacts your relationships and your own well-being.
While boundaries refer to healthy limits and guidelines that individuals set for themselves in relationships, selfishness refers to a self-centered mindset that prioritizes one's own needs and desires over others.
So let’s unpack the difference so you feel less guilty for setting and enforcing healthy boundaries.
Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for establishing healthy relationships and maintaining individual well-being. Boundaries are limits that individuals set for themselves in relationships, they can be mental, physical, emotional, time-related, and financial.
These limits help individuals define their personal values, protect themselves from unwanted behavior, and communicate their expectations to others. Healthy boundaries promote mutual respect, emotional safety, and trust in relationships, while also fostering individual growth and self-awareness.
Boundaries can be established in various areas of life, such as work, family, friendships, and romantic relationships. For instance, in romantic relationships, boundaries may involve setting limits on physical intimacy, expressing one's emotional needs and preferences, and establishing mutual respect and trust. Similarly, in the workplace, boundaries may involve establishing clear expectations with colleagues, setting limits on working hours, and defining one's professional responsibilities.
Boundaries are part of self-care. You might feel guilty for setting a boundary because you think it’s mean or selfish to impose limits but boundaries tell the world: this is how I expect to be treated. Without boundaries, people can treat you however they want without consequences. Just because someone resists your boundaries doesn’t make you wrong or selfish.
Selfishness
While boundaries are essential for healthy relationships, selfishness can be detrimental to interpersonal connections. Selfishness refers to a self-centered mindset that prioritizes one's own needs and desires over others, often at the expense of others' well-being. Selfishness can manifest in various forms, such as self-centeredness, entitlement, and lack of empathy. Selfish individuals may disregard others' feelings and opinions, manipulate others to get what they want, and refuse to compromise or cooperate in relationships.
Selfishness can have negative consequences for relationships, including conflict, distrust, and emotional distress. Selfish individuals may find it difficult to form meaningful connections with others, as their self-centered behavior can undermine trust and mutual respect. Furthermore, selfishness can lead to feelings of loneliness and isolation, as others may be less willing to engage with or support self-absorbed individuals.
Boundaries vs. Selfishness
While boundaries and selfishness may seem similar on the surface, they represent fundamentally different attitudes toward relationships. Boundaries are rooted in self-awareness, self-respect, and mutual respect, and seek to promote healthy relationships by establishing clear limits and expectations. On the other hand, selfishness is rooted in self-centeredness, entitlement, and lack of empathy, and seeks to prioritize one's own needs and desires over others, often at the expense of healthy relationships.
Furthermore, boundaries and selfishness have different effects on interpersonal relationships. Healthy boundaries promote emotional safety, trust, and respect in relationships, while also fostering individual growth and self-awareness. In contrast, selfishness can undermine trust and mutual respect, create conflict and emotional distress, and hinder personal growth and well-being.
How to Feel Less Guilty for Setting Boundaries
You can start by asking yourself a few questions when you start to feel guilty for holding to your boundaries:
1) Is this really wrong or is it someone else’s opinion that it’s wrong?
2) Would I tell a friend this is a boundary or a selfish behavior?
3) Is this doing what’s best for me to live a happy, healthy life?
As Brene Brown says, “clear is kind”. Be clear about your boundaries by communicating them to yourself and others, and stick to them. Do not apologize for your needs. Be kind to yourself as you start to enforce your boundaries and start small so you can strengthen the skill of boundary-setting. Expect some resistance and decide in advance how you will handle it.
Here’s a link to a Positive Psychology worksheet to help with boundaries called The Personal Boundary Continuum to get you started.
Remember, while boundaries and selfishness may seem similar on the surface, they represent fundamentally different attitudes toward relationships. Boundaries are essential for establishing healthy relationships and maintaining individual well-being, while selfishness can be detrimental to interpersonal connections. By understanding the differences between boundaries and selfishness, individuals can cultivate healthy relationships and promote their own well-being and that of others.
For more on boundaries and how to set healthy boundaries with less guilt, start here.