Are Your Relationships Helping or Hurting Your Health & Life Goals?
It’s probably no secret at this point in your life that people around you influence you.
But you might not realize just how strongly that influence is, or how to use it to your health and “work-life balance” advantage. Here are a few tips to help that have worked for my clients and myself.
But first…
Before you can put the tips into action, you need to understand why they work. Which means understanding who influences you in what ways and to what degree.
There are different types of relationships each with its own unique impact on our lives.
• Family relationships: These are the relationships we have with our parents, siblings, and extended family members. Family relationships are often the first and most important relationships we form in our lives. They can have a profound impact on our development and well-being.
• Romantic relationships: These are the relationships we have with our partners. Romantic relationships can provide us with love, intimacy, companionship, joy, and support. They can also lead to conflict, stress, loneliness, and other negative experiences.
• Friendships: These are the relationships we have with our peers. Friends provide us with companionship, support, and a sense of belonging. They can also help us to laugh, to learn, and to grow.
• Acquaintanceships: These are the relationships we have with people we know, but who are not close friends. Acquaintances can provide us with a sense of community and social support. They can also help us to network and to learn about new opportunities.
Of course, there is some overlap. Your family relationships can also be a source of stress, and provide joy, for example. But you get the idea.
Influences on Health and Behavior
Now, I mentioned before that the quality of the relationship is important in preventing loneliness and reaping the mental, emotional, and physical health benefits of high social well-being.
A component of quality, is how the individuals’ behaviors affect you mentally, emotionally, and your actions.
You’ve heard the phrase “birds of a feather flock together.” You’ve probably also heard Jim Rohn’s quote, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” I’m not sure if “5” has been scientifically proven but the concept is true. But the concept certainly is.
Social Cognitive Theory (SCT) explains at least part of why we are influenced by others, and why we “flock” together, and why we become similar to those we surround ourselves with.
Essentially, SCT explains that one way we learn is by observing and imitating the behaviors of others and the consequences of that behavior (Bandura, 1986). If we see or perceive that behavior to be rewarded, we are more likely to imitate it. If it’s not rewarded or is punished, we are less likely to imitate it. This could include seeing someone feel the “reward” of enjoying a fresh donut, we might imitate that. Even if we are on a diet. It could also be learning how to order your coffee at a new coffee shop by watching the customer before you.
Relationships also influence in other ways. We crave a sense of belonging. Our ancestors had to belong or they died. Being in the tribe was safety, being exiled left us vulnerable to attack. So instinctually, we adapt to belong. We conform.
Here are few other ways in which influence works:
• The more similar we are to someone, the more likely we are to be influenced by them. For example, we are more likely to be influenced by friends, family members, and people who share our interests. (Making the influence cyclical)
• The more attractive someone is, the more likely we are to be influenced by them. This is because we are more likely to trust and obey attractive people.
• The more powerful someone is, the more likely we are to be influenced by them. This is because we are more likely to believe that powerful people know what they are doing.
• The more we are rewarded for doing something, the more likely we are to do it again. This is called operant conditioning. For example, if we are praised for being helpful, we are more likely to help others in the future.
• The more we are punished for doing something, the less likely we are to do it again. This is also part of operant conditioning. For example, if we are yelled at for being rude, we are less likely to be rude in the future.
These sciencey theories help explain conformity and compliance. There’s more that scientists are still trying to understand and more I could go into, but this is already getting TLDR.
Spouses and Life Partners
Ok so what does this mean for spouses and friends, and how they help or hinder our health?
A couple’s unhealthy or healthy habits are typically in sync. One study looked into what happens when one partner starts to improve their health routine. Interestingly, they found that if partner A was consistently living the "# heallthyliving life" when they got together with partner B, then partner B was less likely to change their ways compared to if both had started off unhealthy and partner A decided during the relationship to get healthy (Jackson et al., 2015).
It’s not to say that partner B won’t change if at all if they get involved with an already healthy partner A. Just that the change was less significant in those observed.
Either way, improvements were made and are possible.
What does this mean for you? If you are already healthy and want to keep it that way, look for a partner who is too. If you and your partner want to make a change, try doing it together so you can support each other. If you want to change and your partner doesn’t, find support elsewhere and know that you might just rub off on them anyway ;).
(Maybe, it could also become a sticking point, which is something I help my clients explore).
Another study found that couples that were more satisfied in their relationships practiced healthier behaviors than those less satisfied (Wilson & Novak, 2022). Makes sense when you think about it. When you’re stressed, lonely, and overall unhappy, you tend to make worse choices as part of the stress response. They also found that relationship satisfaction predicted depressive symptoms or lack thereof. This also makes sense if you read my post on loneliness in relationships.
Friends
What about friends? I already mentioned how we are more likely to befriend those similar to ourselves. This influence is subtle, we don’t necessarily intend to do it, we do it because we want to belong, we want to feel safe, and we experience belonging and safety when we are around people who feel like us. We even see this with social media (Blieszner, 2014).
This can support our health and play against it, depending on the situation. If you are already healthy, you are probably friends with people also value healthy habits. Your friend group may include a range of people, but the majority of time spent or meals shared are probably with people who align with your value of a healthy lifestyle.
But what if you want to change your habits? If your friends do not support and encourage this change, if you feel alone in the change, it will make it harder to stick with your goals and you most likely will feel mental distress because you sense that lack of support and belonging. You might also experience distress of friends frequently offer unsolicited advice (Blieszner, 2014).
Friends and those around us set what we perceive to be the social norms. If sitting around eating, drinking, and not exercising much is the group norm, then you are more likely to do that. If meeting up for walks, ordering salads, and going for tea instead of alcoholic beverages is the norm, you’re more likely to do that.
What does this mean for you? Similar to the tips for spouses. If you’re already healthy and want to keep it that way, look for friends who are too. If you want to make changes, find a friend who also wants to make changes, so you can support each other. If you want to change and your friend group does not and is not supportive, find new friends. I know easier said than done, but your mental and physical health will thank you for it.
TLDR
Relationships are a fundamental part of human existence. They provide us with love, support, and a sense of belonging. They can also influence our behavior and health in a number of ways, for better or worse.
Bottom line, surround yourself with people who reflect the lifestyle you want to live. Jim Rohn’s quote holds grains of truth. “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.”
Who do you want to be? Does your circle reflect that? How can you bridge the gap?
Need help? Book a free strategy call with me, and let’s explore together.
References
Bandura, A. (1986). Social foundations of thought and action: A social cognitive theory. Prentice-Hall, Inc.
Blieszner, R. (2014). The Worth of Friendship : Can Friends Keep Us Happy and Healthy? Generations: Journal of the American Society on Aging, 38(1), 24–30.
Jackson SE, Steptoe A, Wardle J. The Influence of Partner’s Behavior on Health Behavior Change: The English Longitudinal Study of Ageing. JAMA Intern Med. 2015;175(3):385–392. doi:10.1001/jamainternmed.2014.7554
Stephanie J Wilson, PhD, Joshua R Novak, PhD, The Implications of Being “In it Together”: Relationship Satisfaction and Joint Health Behaviors Predict Better Health and Stronger Concordance Between Partners, Annals of Behavioral Medicine, Volume 56, Issue 10, October 2022, Pages 1014–1025