In a Relationship but Feel Lonely? Here's Why and What to Do
There’s a difference between being alone and feeling lonely.
Some 40% of married people are or have been lonely in their marriage, according to recent surveys. And a 2018 AARP study found that 1 in 3 married people over the age of 45 were lonely.
Meanwhile, a 2020 PEW study found that half of all singles aren’t looking for a relationship or to date because they have other priorities (47%) and enjoy being single (44%).
So it’s completely normal if you are single and content, and do not feel lonely. Or are married and do feel lonely.
Why Does This Happen?
One reason we can feel lonely even in a relationship can be explained by the Relationships Motivation Theory (RMT). This is a theory in psychology that explains the innate need humans have for relatedness.
Get nerdy with me for a sec while I break this down. I promise it will be worth it.
You may have heard of another theory called Self-Determination Theory. That theory states that all humans need autonomy, competence, and relatedness to experience life satisfaction, vitality, and psychological health.
RMT is a sub-theory of SDT. It digs deeper into this relatedness need. Relatedness refers to our social nature and sense of connection with others (Keller, 2016). Kind of important when we’re talking about relationships, right?
Essentially, RMT shows that for a relationship to feel highly satisfying and of high quality, both partners need to give and receive the other two needs (autonomy and competence). Especially, the need for autonomy (Deci & Ryan, 2014; Leung & Law, 2019). Autonomy means having independence, control over one’s life, self-determination.
So it’s not just whether you have a relationship that matters, but the quality of that relationship that is critical.
Otherwise, the relationship will not feel highly satisfying or one of high quality. This can lead to feeling insecure in the relationship (Deci & Ryan, 2014). It can lead to conflict, dissatisfaction, detachment, hurt, guilt, and all of those things can contribute to a sense of loneliness (Deci & Ryan, 2014; Leung & Law, 2019; Roach et al., 2022).
What Happens If You’re Lonely?
If the loneliness persists in your relationship, it can not only ruin the relationship, it can negatively affect your mental and physical health. Loneliness is associated with:
• Increase alcohol and substance use
• Increased risk for depression
• Worsened immunity
• Poor overall well-being
• Greater risk of cardiovascular disease and stroke
• Feelings of loneliness can also affect your well-being in other ways. When you are feeling lonely in your marriage, you might be less likely to engage in health-promoting behaviors like exercising or eating healthy. It might also impact your sleep or cause feelings of stress and negative thinking that can also be detrimental to your health.
So What Do You Do?
There are several options available; choose the one(s) that you feel best support you.
1) Seek counsel from a credentialed couples therapist. They can work with you and your partner to determine the root cause of your sense of loneliness, and the steps forward that support both of your mental and physical well-being. You can identify a local therapist here.
2) The Gottman Institute is a phenomenal resource for singles, parents, couples, and professionals, providing a scientific approach to relationships. Drs. John and Julie Gottman are notable experts in their field of applied research. They have free tips and tools available here. They also have several books you can buy or look for at your local library.
3) There are several reasons you can feel lonely in relationships, beyond what is explored here. The loneliness could be coming from the relationship or within because of other factors that are being projected on the relationship. For example, something that you personally are working through and is being projected onto the relationship.
Another cause could be that you or your partner are expecting the other to fulfill all your needs. This can put pressure on the relationship and lead to unmet needs, disappointment, resentment, and dissatisfaction.
Self-awareness exercises, like journaling, can be helpful. Communication with your partner is critical, assuming you feel safe to do so (if you don’t, that is another issue that you need to seek help with).
TLDR
• Being alone isn’t the same as feeling lonely
• It’s common to feel lonely in a relationship
• Loneliness left unchecked can wreck the relationship, and your mental and physical health
• A healthy relationship is one where both partners give and receive autonomy, competence, and relatedness
• Self-awareness, communication, education, and counseling are options to support the health of your relationship
References
https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2018/loneliness-survey.html
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9565016/
https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/2019_LeungLaw_DoExtrinsicGoals.pdf
https://link.springer.com/chapter/10.1007/978-94-017-8542-6_3
https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/08/20/a-profile-of-single-americans/#singles-who-arent-looking-to-date-cite-more-important-priorities-and-enjoying-the-single-life-as-reasons-for-not-dating
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4685516/