The One Thing You Must Start Doing to Truly Thrive
Here’s a quick yet powerful tip: Stop starting with what’s going wrong when you're trying to change your habits.
Instead of continuing to focus on all the ways in which your life “is a dumpster fire" start with all the ways it’s not. Instead of beating yourself up about all the things you are doing wrong, and trying to force yourself to do all the things you know you "should" be doing but can't seem to consistently do, focus on all the things you are doing right.
Here's Why it Works
When I first start working with clients, whether it’s an individual or an organization, I ask them to answer: “What’s working for you right now?”
After the reply, I say: “Ok, how can you/we do more of that?”
This is one way to approach problem-solving. By doing more of what’s working, you automatically start decreasing what’s not working because there is only so much room, so to speak.
Plus, it's a type of change that is more comforting to people because they are simply saying yes to something they’re already doing. It doesn't feel hard. The buy-in is already there. They get to do more of what they like, who wouldn't want to do that?
This is important because change is attached to uncertainty making it scary and uncomfortable, even when you are convinced it’s beneficial. Those emotions build resistance.
Humans are funny. Even when we want something different, we want to stay cozy in our comfort zone. This is driven by our body's stress response.
Change is uncertainty; uncertainty is fear; fear is stressful. When fear is activated, our stress response is activated. This creates a chemical response that includes glucocorticoids and catecholamines. These hormones influence the emotional and cognitive functions of our brain (Rodrigues et al., 2009). Your body means well. It thinks it's helping you survive.
Your body can't tell the difference between stress caused by the proverbial saber tooth tiger chasing you, or the traffic back up on your way home, or the self-doubt of stepping into a workout class for the first time. This is why you resist that latter, even when you wish you weren't.
So instead of trying to force yourself to keep doing the behaviors that are sparking this fear/resistance cycle try exploring what you are already doing that move you closer to your goals.
For Example
Say you've been beating yourself up because you just can't get yourself to regularly work out. And you know you "should". But after a month or even a week, you notice you start making excuses.
Instead of continuing to try and force yourself to do that particular workout, take a step back and ask yourself what the bigger goal is. It's to move more. So how in your life are you already moving? Maybe you take the stairs, maybe you love gardening and yard work, or walking with friends, or walking your dog. Could you offer to help your neighbors with their yard work or dog walking and count it as your exercise? Maybe you start a walking group with friends.
If you notice yourself resisting changes that you want to make but just can’t quite seem to, try this approach. Figure out what’s working and do more of it. Then see what happens.
"Acknowledging the good that you already have in your life is the foundation for all abundance." ~ Eckhart Tolle
Reference
Rodrigues, S. M., LeDoux, J. E., & Sapolsky, R. M. (2009). The influence of stress hormones on fear circuitry. Annual review of neuroscience, 32, 289–313. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.neuro.051508.135620